On Nearly Dying:

img_2685This is an essay I had written on October 17th, 2015 and subsequently released in a book of mine–specifically a collection of short works, poetry, and essays–titled, False Profits.

I have given it a quick once-over edit, as part of the original point of writing these essays was to stay true to the moment and not edit any of the material.  Now, being a year away from the project I don’t feel quite as strongly about that so I’ve improved the essay in places that I now find clumsy or redundant.

While I still figure out how to create an online store for my little publishing venture, Domesticated Primate, copies of False Profits are available through contacting me at my e-mail: nickdleblanc@gmail.com

Mention this essay and get 2 bucks off!  You know…marketing?

On Nearly Dying:

“I ‘yam what I ‘yam.”–Popeye the Sailor Man

When I was a freshman in college, I got hit in the back of the head by a hammer throw. Not a hammer being thrown at me by some angry carpenter, but the Olympic sport of hammer throwing–the thing the Trunchbull from Matilda was so adept at. It wasn’t purposely thrown at me, there was a hole in the protective cage around the throwing area through which the implement happened to perfectly soar through as if guided by the hand of an angry God.

The rest of the throwers and I were standing outside of the caged-in throwing circle waiting for our turns to throw. When we heard it hit the cage, and saw it slip right through the hole, we scattered. It was going to hit one of us. It just so happened that I was lucky enough to pick the worst direction to scatter in. Seconds later I felt the punishment of a heavy steel ball slamming into my skull just above my occipital lobe.

I already had at least one official concussion on my personal record from playing football in high school, but this time felt different. When the implement hit me, I all but lost my hearing. There was only a high pitched hum as my field of vision flashed white and faded from clear to blurry to black to blurry and back again. In conversation I usually describe this moment as similar to an old cathode-ray television being turned on, where there’s a quick flash of light accompanied by an electronic hum and the picture fades in slowly.

I hit the ground immediately. The impact wasn’t all that painful but I was in shock. Somehow, I hadn’t lost consciousness. I hopped back up onto my feet as quickly as I could. The hood of my sweatshirt had swung up over my head as I fell and when I peeled it off to check the back of my head with my hand, I immediately felt an abundant warm stickiness. I was bleeding from the head, and it was gushing.

My teammates rushed over to check on me, I heard a few of the women crying (most likely because they thought I had died) and the other guys were asking in chorus, “Nick, are you okay, man? Are you okay, dude?” I don’t remember what I said, all I remember is grabbing a towel from one of their hands, wrapping it around my wound and bounding up to the athletic trainer’s office.

Later, my teammates would go on to make fun of me as my butt-crack had risen above my shorts when I hit the ground, providing the team with a half-moon as they watched me lay on the ground motionless. I secretly resented them for making fun of me for this, this was a much more traumatic event for me than I Was ever comfortable admitting. I wasn’t really comfortable admitting a lot of things at that time.

“I need a trainer,” I said as I walked into the office.

“Is everything okay? What happened? Are you bleeding?”

“I think I’m okay, I got hit in the back of the head with a hammer.”

“And you’re still walking?!” they exclaimed incredulously.

They sent me to the hospital where a doctor gave me a CAT scan, shoved a needle full of local anesthetic in the wound, closed the jagged cut with twelve staples and sent me on my way. They said my skull hadn’t cracked but that I was certain to have a massive concussion. They gave me a prescription for antibiotics and a packet detailing what steps I should take to recover from the concussion and sent me on my way.

That weekend, I made the mistake of going to a party and drinking. It was there that I learned–the hard way–that an antibiotic’s greatest enemy when about four beers later I was projectile vomiting off of a second story porch.

Back then, I honestly never considered the effect that this event may have on me. Apart from the expected jokes–“Maybe it knocked some sense into ya!” “Musta been that thick Polish skull that absorbed that blow.”–the event was rarely discussed and relegated to a good story that I could whip out at parties.

I have spent the past few years trying to make peace with myself and attempting to take a lesson out of my experiences at Holy Cross. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve forced myself to own my decisions, and to take responsibility for my actions. Sometimes it feels like I was another person entirely then, like I’m analyzing some character on a television show or in a novel. I just can’t believe it was me who was there.

Recently my mother and I were talking about my time at Holy Cross and some of the struggles I have gone through since. Luckily, many of the reprehensible and embarrassing decisions I made then have since faded into the distance, but knowing the little she did, she said to me, “Maybe when you got hit in the head it had a bigger effect on you than we wanted to consider at the time. This stopped me in my tracks, I honestly had never really considered the possibility.

These feelings of regret and embarrassment have eaten at me for a long time and now that I’m willing to consider the fact that some of it may be attributed to a head injury, I feel some combination of relief and unease. It’s scary to consider that your personality may have been shaped by something beyond your control. No?

I know the trope, “it’s just college, you were still young!” But that didn’t change the fact that I was saddled with self hatred and beat myself up for years after I finished at Holy Cross. It was a painful time. Maybe I was just confused, misunderstood, and a little anxious about the impression that I had left on a lot of people. I’d like to think that, that’d make me feel a bit better.

Maybe I’m just a poorly adjusted normal guy who thinks too much, or maybe I’m just a well-adjusted lunatic. Whatever and why-ever I am what I am, I’m grateful to be alive and cognizant enough to write an essay about that time my head was almost caved in by a cannonball attached to a 3-foot metal wire.

Reactions to 2016


Me, reacting.

I have strong reactions.  So strong in fact that occasionally it feels like I will light myself on fire, claw my own eyes out, and throw them at the nearest person if I don’t get some of my thoughts out of my brain.  In lieu of self-immolation or bodily massacre, I often write my reactions down, occasionally sharing them on social media.  I thought it would be a clever idea to round up these reactions from the last year and share them here in chronological order.  I will be actively updating this post as it is only September, and that leaves plenty of time for me to do some reactionary writing, especially with the election in November.  Uh-oh.

The date and context of the reaction are in bold italics so that should give you some clue as to where one thought ends and the next begins.  Though, if this post is supposed to be anything like life, maybe all of these scary and intense thoughts should just blend together into one giant, confusing, and ultimately meaningless hurricane and decimate our existence, damning our poor souls for all of eternity…

2016 has been a year.  Oh boy, has it ever been a year.

Reactions to 2016

1/11/16: Making a Murderer: I’ve been sporadically watching “Making a Murderer” and have a few thoughts:

Though this is a horrifically disturbing account of a justice system in need of serious reforms and accountability safeguards, and that is an important conversation that has to be brought to light and discussed, I can’t help but feel a little disgusted by the reaction I’ve seen to the documentary.

The type of conversation I see about this series–which centers around a VERY white group of people–and the practical consensus that’s been reached about how badly conspiratorial and just plain evil the justice system/law enforcement acted in the Avery case gives me pause…

How come I’m not seeing long police-apologist posts about the actions taken in this case, defending their ineptitude? I’ve come to expect it. Why would we publicize a petition to the White House to free this man–which was a ludicrous idea to begin with, but that’s an entirely different story–are we that comfortable with his innocence?

He openly admitted to dousing a cat in gasoline and throwing it into a fire, he wrote notes to his children saying he was going to kill their mother when he got out of jail because of how she was treating him, and there’s more too!

Why do we seem so torn up with the way this Avery shmuck was treated, but people still support and defend the police and courts in cases like Tamir Rice and Eric Garner? Both cases where there is video evidence of an actual murder taking place with innocent, non-violent people falling victim to police brutality; innocent people who happen to be black. Hmmm…

Is it that there has to be bureaucracy involved for people to take this type of corruption seriously? Do we need to have white DAs and white film-makers and low-IQed white small town residents narrate the tragedy for us to make it real, or to make it okay to admit that sometimes not only is the system fucking up, but it’s ACTIVELY trying to get you?

It frustrates me to see the way that we bias our realities in order to avoid uncomfortable truths and clearly it has frustrated me to the point where I can no longer just sit back and enjoy my murder-porn (as South Park so aptly called it).

But, oh well I guess, who knows, maybe in ten years if I constructed a documentary about mass race-targeting by statewide and federal law enforcement and stretched it out over an unnecessarily slowly paced ten episodes, people would feel a little more comfortable calling things like the Rice and Garner cases exactly what they were.

It’s just so damn confounding sometimes.

1/26/16: Doomsday clock: Given the media’s attention to certain–specifically more modern–doomsday scenarios like biological warfare, natural disaster, economic collapse, and “terrorist” takeover, I sometimes find myself ignoring the fact that there are weapons on this planet capable of utterly devastating the infrastructure and population of our world’s largest cities, as well as radioactively poisoning the gene pools of anyone unlucky enough to be exposed to their fallout.

In my mind, nuclear weapons are paranoid and destructive monuments to humanity’s unbridled will-to-fear. I hate the idea and use of them and I am completely disgusted by their continued use by world political leaders as leverage in some violent–and soon to be irradiated–chess match.

Every year the Doomsday clock announcement acts as a reminder to me of humanity’s most base tendencies: our want to destroy, mutilate, and pillage, all at the expense of our species’ lives and planet. It seems no highly politicized nuclear deal, nor our ‘great’ county’s ‘sustained efforts’ to curb nuclear proliferation can save us now as we remain but three minutes away from our symbolic judgement day.

3/8/16: Capitalism:  Terribly upset to find out that there is an ATM in Antarctica. Our species has managed to infect even the most unlivable part of Earth with our most vicious and cruel disease.

*as an appropriate side-note, it only dispenses US currency.

6/12/16: The Massacre in Florida: It’s interesting to see people’s posts about the massacre in Florida. From the memes of empty support to people rallying against what politicians have or hadn’t said–ironically drawing more attention toward the people whom they are supposedly criticizing. It really has my gears turning.

I just can’t believe that a MASSIVE number of people were shot to death or seriously injured AGAIN in 2016. It reminds me what fantasy world I am either privileged or crazy enough to live in, where I’m allowed to see positivity and hope for change in humanity without too much fear of oppositional violence.

It’s so sad that this happened, I can’t stop thinking about it. But what I’m thinking about isn’t that this happened at a gay club, or that the shooter supposedly pled allegiance to a foreign Anti-American organization (two things of which the media keeps trying to remind me). I’m thinking about people using violence against other people because they don’t know how to express themselves otherwise.

Maybe I’m completely insane, but I actually believe that if people like this shooter were capable of expressing themselves in a non-violent way, they would. I think this is a truth for humanity and I have a strong feeling that the instant propagandizing of tragic situations works to prevent us from reminding ourselves of this thing that I perceive as a universal human truth.

A quick thought experiment:
What if this shooter was a full blooded “Blue Lives Matter” bumper sticker toting, all-out American, Trump-voting, patriot. What if he wasn’t a jihadist bigot, and instead he was positioning himself as the physical embodiment of everything he hates–that he’s sacrificing himself and the lives of a certain number of people just so that his beloved country can rally in support behind the tragedy, finally once-and-for-all putting a stop to these type of tragedies from ever happening again. Almost like he’s Ozymandias from Moore’s Watchmen, or that he’s pulling his own version of the Kennedy-rejected Operation Northwoods.

Let’s imagine this is true, and that the media catches wind of it and turns him into an All-American Hero–someone willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the moral fiber of his country and its people.

My question is this: What would that change? Would that make him a hero? Would that toss him into the annals of history as a pillar of American strength and fortitude with Washington (an imperialist), Lincoln (a pretend progressive), and FDR (a borderline socialist warhawk)? Would the actions suddenly change from violent and tragic to heroic and brave just because the media understood the facts that way? Is it really all perception?

What do you think?

My answer:
It doesn’t change anything, just like the specific facts of this tragedy don’t matter–just like they didn’t the last time, or the time before that, or the time before that, ad nauseum. I think these “facts” and “details” are the things we tell ourselves to try and feel okay when we’re confused or scared; when the relatively youthful age of our species is exposed and we’re reminded that there is an awful long way to go before fear can disappear and true progress–evolutionarily, socio-economically, culturally–can happen.

What I’m saying is that I feel like we’re searching for a larger or deeper or more specific answer when the facts are already clear, chilling out right in front of our noses. I always leave these situations feeling this way, that cosmically speaking we are bloated babies with God complexes, scared little monkeys running around terrified of our mortality and creating things behind which we can hide our inadequacies, fetishes, and neuroses.

I believe that violence is disgusting and sad, and whether it was a jihadist bigot killing a bunch of innocent people, or a national hero-in-his-mind, or any other possible combination of random bits of information, what we are told by the TELLERS does not matter as much as what we feel as HUMANS and I, right now, feel sick. I know I can’t flee or flag-burn and condemn the system or tote some Sanders-style “revolution,” but I can definitely say how I feel.

I think that what I’m trying to communicate is that if more of us felt comfortable expressing ourselves–and conversely if more of us helped other people feel comfortable when they express themselves–some hopeful metaphorical sun may peek out from behind the dark clouds that hang over us on days like today and help illuminate the possibility for a better tomorrow that it feels like we so actively avoid–or at least clue some more of us in on its existence.

7/7/16: Police murdering black men: White police murdering black men. A man was murdered in front of his wife and child last night because he reached for his ID and the cop got scared. Think about that.

Because I’m white, I have less to worry about when a cop pulls me over. That’s not privilege, it’s disgusting. Why so much violence? Why so much fear? Why so much denial? Do these police apologists want to live in a world where cops function as in-the-moment executioners? I know I don’t. I thought in America we were afforded the right to be run through the–admittedly corrupt–justice system before the decision was made at a federal level to murder us? Apparently not, especially so if you’re black.

“But Nick, what would you have done? Given the increased violence against police officers wouldn’t you be more than a little scared?”

No, because I’d never be a cop. I don’t feel anyone has the right to make a decision that ends someone’s life, especially myself. And is it so scandalous to expect that a law enforcement agency would be trained well enough so that they could control their fear and not unjustifiably murder someone? What a concept! Furthermore, what are they so afraid of? That he’s black? Finally, there is no increased violence against police officers, in fact the world has become less violent over the past 100 years.

C’mon guys.

How will gun lobbyists defend this one? “Guns don’t kill people–racist cops kill people.”

At this point it’s completely undeniable–well really, it’s been undeniable in America for about two centuries–that there is a rampant epidemic of racism in law enforcement that runs right alongside the longstanding American practice of unjustifiable and senseless violence. Why are we so afraid to admit this?

Violence begets more violence and distrust. If the goal really is to create a peaceful free society, something needs to be done now. But if the goal is to continue toward a violent and cold military-industrialized dystopia where policemen walking the beat are responsible for ending the lives of people that they deem to be criminals through no other indication but the color of their skin, well, we’re doing just fine.

7/22/16: Media’s coverage of violent events:  This politico bullshit plaguing every one of my media outlets is starting to drive me up the wall. I just can’t help but feel that we focus on this crap to avoid talking about (what I feel) is the most obvious root and symptom of almost every one of our societal ills.


In 2013, roughly 842,000 deaths were attributed to self-harm (suicide), 405,000 to interpersonal violence, and 31,000 to collective violence (war) and legal intervention (cops killing people/death penalty). [sourced below]

I think it’s easy to be a violent psychopath. Almost any human at any time
Is capable of inflicting a shocking level of violence on any other human within a reasonable distance. Yet, it doesn’t happen constantly…why is that?

After all, humans are just fearful primates struggling to stay alive in a world they’ve created that’s too big and has become nearly incomprehensible with information and certainly unmanageable, right? And there’s so many of us who are just complete Trump-voting morons who suck up the TV politico nonsense as if it means a single damn thing in reality and jerk off to our right to own a weapon that allows us to mow down other humans as if they were dried up hayweed, right? And the ones of us who aren’t waxing nationalistic are just over-privileged bleeding heart liberals plagued by guilt and a complete inability to address–never mind solve–our own problems which rarely consist of more than trying to figure out whether to call a Lyft or an Uber in order to get to brunch. Right? Doesn’t that sound like reality? Isn’t that who you are and who I am? And aren’t those the designations we are continually coerced to ascribe to?

Maybe not. Maybe we’re just a young and scared species with brains too big for our own good who continue to create remarkable systems and inventions that righteously scare us right out of our piss-soaked pants. Maybe that’s why we look to religious zealots or bright orange reality TV stars or the wife of an oligarch or people with lots of make up, styled hair, and sharp looking glasses who talk like they actually gave a fuck in their classes during undergrad.

I feel completely ill about this, I feel so lost in details. If a man driving a large truck drives over 80 people who cares what fake pie-in-the-sky he prays to before doing so? It’s a human killing humans because he’s uncomfortable being a human. Just look at the information I cited. In 2013, more people died violently at their own hand than at the hand of someone else. Why is that? Maybe because they were scared and they hated them-self for it and they were afraid to talk to anyone else about it because that person may react negatively and berate them in order to distance themselves because they too are fearful of admitting their own self hatred which is rooted in the same notion, that existence may be completely empty and meaningless and that its awfully scary to consider that possibility. Hmm? How about that?

And what of interpersonal violence? Well, I’d be willing to bet my life that almost every act of human-on-human violence has at least some component of psychological projection that could have been better solved with a time-out in the big chair, a slap on the ass from their mommy, and a conversation with the object of their frustration that could go something like this;

A: “Hey, I’m sorry about that. I’m really confused and scared, and when I realize this, I act out like an animal being put in a cage.”

B: “That’s okay, I’m sorry too. Gee golly gosh, I guess it turns out you and I have something in common after all.”

So again, if life is meaningless and uncontrollable and our species is little more than animals motivated by reproduction and food, why aren’t we just tearing one another apart constantly? My guess is that we actually don’t want to hurt one another and what we really want is some form of companionship in our individual lonely journeys on this big scary planet. Is that really a radical idea? Does it really sound that unlikely?

Maybe I’m just the most cynical man on Earth but I just can’t buy that there’s a solution buried in the facade of the great orange asshole or Hillary the hawk or anyone else for that matter. Every post I see just makes me sadder because I realize that violence continues and will continue while we focus on rudimentary details that distract us from the real problem: we’re scared and don’t know what to do with ourselves.

I plead with anyone who’s persistent enough to stick with me on this rant to at least consider the fact that we are being played like pawns in a game between giant interest groups with lots of money who care for little more than profit. Please don’t let the political games or liberal buzzwords or republican bigotry or corporate benefits or what-the-fuck-ever fool you, none of these figureheads care a damn for us no matter what “side” they’re on, and the only thing we can do is try to build our own communities up to be the strongest versions of themselves through local commerce and staunch anti-violence (which does not mean having a police force that is allowed to commit violence at their whim without consequence).

It’s nearly two in the morning and I’m exhausted, exasperated, and embarrassed to be human so I post my unedited thoughts to a social platform where they can exist outside of myself and maybe generate some kind of discussion that will more likely than not just lead to an empty trading of words with other people who a soul-less algorithm–developed by a capitalistic billionaire and owned in part by corporate marketing interests–determines should view my thoughts.

7/25/16: Cambridge, MA: Cambridge might have the highest concentration of men that smoke cigarettes, have letter-carrier style bags, and wear their shirts tucked in.

8/15/16: The 2016 ElectionI find it interesting the angles that the two major political parties take during election season. This cycle it seems the Dems are sticking to their stale “hope for the future” platform whereas the GOP has adopted the “holy shit, it’s the goddamn apocalypse, be terrified” stance. This leads me to think that maybe the parties aren’t speaking to the global worldview as much as they are referring to the status of their own organizations.

If we look at it this way, then the GOP isn’t crying about the world being doomed as much as they are experiencing the final gasps of their party’s life as the orange haired and bigoted megalomaniac squeezes the life out of them with his smaller-than-average hands.

Similarly, the democrats–led by an imperialist war hawk–are grasping at straws, forging some kind of shaky lean-to (built with empty promises of military withdrawal and more vigilant tax spending) to protect themselves from the truth that their party is doomed to the same fate if they don’t learn to adapt. In this sense, their declaration of “hope” is a cry-out for themselves. As in, “hey, let’s hope this horseshit doesn’t happen to us next cycle.”

I think this is a helpful perspective to try out. Just remember that every time you hear a right-winger shout, “Apocalypse!” that he is referring to the firey death of his own party. And every time you hear a left-winger shout, “Hope!” he is referring to a deep insecurity that his party will no longer be able to hide their sly bigotry and imperialistic tendencies behind structurally compromised walls of social justice and economic reform.

Maybe that’ll help you feel a little better? It did for me when I though of it today.

The sad reality is that no matter the outcome of the election, there is a large probability that an uncomfortable majority of us blue-collar more average than average Joe the Plumber types will blame the US political system for our problems and continue living our short–and ultimately meaningless–lives in a some nebulous spot occupying the space between neurotic paralyzing fear and purposeful mind-numbing (but arguably blissful) ignorance. I guess realistically, not all that much will change until the Earth gets so pissed off at our wastefulness that it decides to forcefully rid itself of its infestation of land-dwelling parasitic louses that vaguely resemble deformed primates. And then, who knows?

Have a positive day! 🎷🐬💥👽👌

8/24/16: Murder of a New Bedford Teen: Looks like at least 3 teens were involved in a stabbing that has ended with at least one of the kids dying from his wounds. How awful.

News like this sends me to a dark place with very little hope. This kid had barely lived. Who knows what type of opportunities he had or what type of support was available for him? How is it that he was able to make choices at such an early age that led to such dire consequences? And in the same community where I was raised?; Where a death by stabbing was a very distant, almost laughable, possibility? What was so different about his upbringing and mine? Evidently we lived in completely different worlds running parallel to one another, how awful and confusing. It makes me feel really sad to see young kids creating such a hopeless reality like this for themselves and falling victim to the disturbingly violent and bleak narratives that society has already constructed for them.

15 years old. That means that 5 years ago he was a 10 year old kid. Do you remember being 15? Man, I love New Bedford but this is a straight up unacceptable occurrence. I know I rail on about violence here on (empty echo chamber) social media sometimes, and I apologize to those of you who may misunderstand my pleas as self-righteousness but again I find myself compelled to bring it up.

How in our community can we eliminate violent behavior and replace it with open dialogue? Is it even possible to realign the values of a community when the surrounding world is so apparently hell-bent on destroying itself with capitalistic and authoritarian ideals? Is there an organization in New Bedford that works to promote peace and empowerment in the community directly (apart from any sly political or fiscally motivated programming)?

Man, this has me feeling like shit. Just so sad.

8/29/16: Starbucks: For me, Starbucks mostly functions as a public bathroom that happens to sell burnt coffee.

9/11/2016: 9/11:  My generation grew up watching the footage of the towers collapsing and living with the global/social fallout. Being a skeptic, I don’t know what happened that day. Realistically it probably doesn’t matter. Every explanation that I can imagine or that I have heard leaves me with the same sick feeling about the human capacity for fear and violence. I just wish I didn’t annually see so much empty nationalism on this day. Almost anything is better; humor, thoughtful recollection, anything.

I think peace is possible, at least I hope it is. Today I worked a farmer’s market where I met a lot of nice people and sold them really beautiful fruit and veggies. Aside from the humidity and the glaring sun it was a great day. If only…

9/20/2016: September 20th, 2011:  On September 20th in 2011, my car was in the shop. I was working in Fall River at the time and needed a ride home. My mother, having the day off, offered to give me a lift. She was spending the day with a friend of hers, helping them run some errands and take care of some personal stuff.

When my mother arrived to pick me up, I hopped in the driver’s seat, “Nick, I had a long day, would you mind driving?” and started down 195 to take us home. Just as we hit 140 south toward New Bedford she got a phone call.

“No, I’m not sure where she is. When I left she was about to lay down to take a nap.”
“Ok, sure. Keep me updated.”

It was a call from the son of her friend *****, the woman she had spent the day with. He had woken up from a nap 20 minutes earlier and couldn’t find his mother. Her car was in the driveway but she was nowhere to be seen. My mom supposed that she had run across the street to the store, or had maybe gone for a walk.

About ten minutes later her phone rang again, this time the voice on the other line was frantic, a near shout. I saw my mother’s facial expression change to horror and my blood ran cold.

“What’s going on, Ma?”
“Nick! Turn the car around, go to *****’s house now!”

*****’s son had found his mother hanging in the backyard. I illegally banged the car around exit 1 where 140 meets Route 6 and floored it to Kim’s house. My mother called 911 on the way and tried to get in touch with *****’s boyfriend.

We got there before anyone else, just in time to see *****’s body hanging and her son struggling to pull her body down from the tree. About 45 seconds after we arrived, her boyfriend screeched into the driveway, followed moments later by the police. She was dead.

The next few hours were a blur, EMTs arrived, some of her family showed up, more police came, statements were taken. Everyone was sad, or angry, or some combination of the two. My mother was inconsolable, her eyes distant and detached. Being the most personally removed from the situation, the police decided to use me to help corral the family–a decision I’m still not sure I entirely understand.

“Hey, keep an eye on her son for us, make sure he doesn’t go anywhere.”
“Could you ask her boyfriend to come speak with us?”

At some point, one of her family members found a suicide note and started to read it aloud from the porch for all to hear. It apologized to her boyfriend, told her children she loved them, and said something I’ll never forget, “this world is hell.”

I don’t really remember the rest of the day. At some point it started raining and I went home with my mother, unsuccessfully tried to console her, and eventually found myself in my bedroom holding my acoustic guitar. I was completely exhausted. I was confused. I was terribly sad.

Watching the rain drop down my window, I remembered something. I had a phone call to make. Earlier that day I had been texting with someone who I had a major crush on and was trying to set up a date. She didn’t live nearby so we had decided that I would give her a call when I had gotten home from work to catch up and make some plans. That was supposed to be around 6 o’clock and it was now at least 11:30. Shit, it was too late, I hadn’t texted her, and I was in no place to talk.

Instead of calling and trying to explain myself, I started noodling on my guitar. Minutes later some chords started unfolding, and then out of nowhere, words came.

A few weeks later I recorded an album with two of my friends and included this song. I still hadn’t called my crush nor had I texted her. Call it anxiety, call it nervousness, or call it selfishness, I’m still not sure which is the truth.

That evening the words just came to me. The first verse addresses me sitting in my room watching the rain fall, the second comments on my anxieties about missing a chance with a woman I liked, and the third and fourth are me feeling the pain of witnessing the suicide of a friend. The last section, a singular line, came up in studio.

We had finished tracking all of the vocals and instruments for the song and we felt like the last portion needed some kind of a vocal line. I decided to just hit record and wing it. What came to my mind instantly was an image of me, standing at a bar somewhere with the girl I was crushing on, telling her the story of finding *****’s body and how it made me feel. In that moment I felt complete doubt and shame with myself and thought, “Well, that’s one way to guarantee you sleep alone tonight.”

*****’s death haunts me. The image of pulling into her driveway and seeing her hanging is burned into my brain. That moment has shaped me and has been instrumental in how I understand my life, and how I shape my experience. I believe to be true her final comment that this world is hell. But, since her death I’ve found that I’d add a postscript; that this world can be heaven too, If we’d only allow it.

9/22/2016: News:  I’m pissed. What is it with these “news” articles from alt-right sites that people post after every police officer shooting that try to tarnish the image of the victim? Whether or not these victims had warrants or had a history of crime does not matter. They were wrongfully killed by police officers. That’s the point! Cops are not bastions of moral fortitude and judgement, they do not have permission to execute based on a difference in principles. Helloooooo…

Why do you scumbags who repost those articles feel the need to relish in the fact that the victim may not have been a Dudley-Do-Right? Do you get off on it? Do you think about it when you’re lying in bed alone and squeal with delight? Do you feel pleasure in your loins when you sit there imagining a father/brother/son lying on the street bleeding out and telling yourself “he’s a bad man, he deserves it, I’m so much better than him.” What kind of a sorry excuse for a human are you?

Also, white people, why is there so much fear of #blacklivesmatter? Does it make you feel threatened to see a historically oppressed population stand up for themselves and fight back against the status quo? Has it been easier to live with your eyes closed, telling stories to yourself that all of these victims of police violence were bad people, and that every cop is a stand-up everyday goody guy gun-toting American foot soldier?

Get real here. This is gross. Every person has the right to a voice whether or not you agree with it–yes, including Colin Kaepernick. It’s a goddamn song and a banner. True patriotism is standing up for an ideology of freedom, and that means freedom of expression you closed-minded wack jobs!

To me, violence is wrong in any capacity whether it be a protester gone mad, a cop killing someone, a drone dropping bombs on a small village in the desert, a soldier cutting down some enemies, or even schoolyard bullying. Admittedly this is an extreme and un-pragmatic position to take, but it’s what I’ve arrived at and I just can’t take the type of hypocritical banter I’m seeing every day on social media, in the news, or even just walking down the street. It makes me want to jump in the ocean and just swim off the edge of the Earth. So much fear. Gross.

10/7/15: Trump:  I’m still quietly hoping that Trump is really just a genius satirist or maybe a performance artist. Just instead of nailing his balls to the sidewalk like that guy in Russia, he’s nailing the American political systems’ balls to a rocket that’s set to fly into the farthest reaches of our galaxy. Wackadoo.

Free write: 9/6/2016

Processed with Snapseed.

Late Summer patiently waiting to give way to Fall.

It’s coming, can you feel it?  It blew against my face today as I stood barefoot in a sandpit in a family member’s backyard.  I heard it in between the notes of Leonard Cohen’s guitar as I listened to him mumble/croon on “Chelsea Hotel #2.”  I felt it tickle the bare skin on my triceps as I stood in a parking lot in Boston at 1:30 in the afternoon on a particularly muggy day.  Shadows are casting longer than just a month ago and the sun hangs lower in the sky, already starting the descent to its hiding place below the horizon when I’m driving back to my apartment from a long day of work on the farm.

Fall is here, patiently waiting for summer to end, throwing its subtle reminders at us: “Buy some sweaters!  Make sure your jacket doesn’t need to be dry cleaned!”  Even the beers are changing.  Gone are the crisp citrusy pilsners and hop-bomb IPAs and here come the thick, caramel colored, malty lagers, the kind of beverages that are meant for a sweatshirt and a campfire, or maybe a large turkey leg and a bratwurst.

Autumn is the best, especially here in southern New England.  Nothing beats that crisp air, that urge to sit outside at night drinking high ABV beers and chatting for hours with your friends, that overwhelming beauty when you drive on the highway and see the lush green leaves turning to vibrant shades of rusty red, burnt orange, and golden yellow.  If you think another season is better than Fall, you’re wrong.  Plain and simple.  Summer might be the only season which can challenge autumn, its arrival itself a similar experience to the elation that the first licks of the autumn season bring.  Though in summer, the sun is higher in the sky, warming your face up, pulling you out of the sorry, wet, and cold excuse of a season that we call the New England spring.

Fall brings me back.  Suddenly I’m in high school.  I’m stuck in the past picking that first outfit for the year, receiving a new schedule, scoping out the classrooms to see who I’ll be checking out and/or avoiding.  It was always the best part of the school year, when teachers were still sweet and excited to be working with you, before they’ve reached their first half of the year burnout.  It was a time when your relationships with fellow students were still blooming, not enough having happened to fuck up the pleasantly innocent early-in-the-schoolyear vibes.

You still have butterflies in your stomach, wondering what will happen next, and where, and with whom. Fall brings back suiting up for football games, my body steaming in the crisp night air when I rip my pads off and head to the locker room.  It brings back my first experiences with love and romance, holding my high school girl friends hand at the annual Thanksgiving  bonfire,  the tips of my ears stinging because I forgot to wear a hat.

Then, I’m in college.   I remember making mistakes in my first few weeks at Holy Cross, making decisions that ruin relationships before they’ve even begun, destroying school property, waking up too hungover to function, making a fool of myself to some woman somewhere who knows about something stupid I did with someone else at some other time in some other situation.  I’m at alumni weekend, drinking with some middle aged men who convinced us, “Hey, we used to live in this dorm room!”  They drank our beers!  Not even their own!  Now that I think about it, I can’t believe how cheap that was of them.

Maybe I haven’t had enough time away from Holy Cross yet to remember my Fall seasons there with any kind of pleasant nostalgia.  Really the best times I had during the Fall in college were with two of my best friends in Western MA, a place that became a refuge for me after my sophomore year, when I could no longer handle spending time on the Holy Cross campus.  I would whisk away there just about every weekend, if not every other weekend.

I remember wearing sweatshirts and jeans, riding through Western MA blasting music, drinking beer, letting a high taper off as I rolled down the windows and breathed in the fresh farmland air.  I remember crashing on couches or in two hundred year old houses on the Connecticut river where we would eat steak and drink all night long, laughing, playing music, and enjoying life with some of the most interesting people I have ever met.  There were crazy costume parties full of fuzzy memories, dancing, playing beer pong with Kathleen Turner, teaching a girl how to play ukulele who’s name I can’t remember at a party in some weird version of a dorm at Hampshire college where there was far too many people and too much smoke and too much liquor.  Sitting on someone’s bed, seeing them take pills out of small sandwich bags or rub some mysterious something on their gums.  Laughing, laughing so hard that you think you are going to puke.  Strolling through downtown Northhampton and getting ice cream even though it’s far too cold, digging through used book shops in Amherst, and falling in love with every girl I met that would have a real conversation with me like a regular Holden Caulfield.

There were times sitting on porches, rapping about life with friends, playing harmonica with some weirdos who I didn’t know, skyrocketing a beer in protest of us getting kicked out of two parties in the same night, one where we had pretended to be a Jewish acapella group, and another where I had made an off-color joke to a particularly sensitive crowd.

There were people dressed in costumes, strained drunken meetings with an ex-girlfriend, walking for what felt like two decades just to grab a few slices of pizza, being woken up in bed with a girl on her birthday by her roommate who burst in holding a cupcake with a birthday candle in it which neither of us could get up and grab because we were naked under the sheets.  I remember the cold autumn air creeping in through a window as we played guitars and recorded albums of improvised music, or ran through the plot lines and jokes of a screenplay we had written inspired by our own lives.

Picking up a hitchhiker and bringing her to a job interview, filling up hookah with wine, discussing philosophers, and drinking the shitty coffee that she made us in her french press.  Later in the night, I would leave her with my friends as I slowly started to realize she would impinge on our evening plans of bar-hopping.  It was now their job to figure things out while I was waiting for them to meet me in some pub, where I was drinking beer and telling the story to whomever would listen.  I don’t think my friends have fully forgiven me since.  I saw it as pragmatic decision making, you know the whole self preservation thing, they saw it as abandoning ship.  Difference of opinions I guess.  Oh well, it all worked out in the end, at least for us.  Who knows for her?

Every year these feelings and memories blow in on Fall’s crisp winds and I heartily welcome them, so really my love of Fall may be more of a chicken and the egg argument than I would have imagined.  It’s the only time of year when I feel even vaguely nostalgic and frankly it’s the only type of nostalgia that doesn’t make me feel like I want to double over and spill the contents of my stomach onto the floor.  So, for that, I am especially grateful.

When I was in Western MA, I was in a different universe, a place I had created with my best friends where consequence didn’t exist and the world was there for us to explore.  It was the ultimate escape from the nightmare reality I had created for myself back at Holy Cross–an experience I have written about extensively on this blog in the past, so no worries dear reader, there will be none of that here today. The biggest concerns were how to pay for beer and/or weed, and to maybe find some women we could flirt with.  My time out there was wholly necessary for me,  to this day I relish every moment I get to spend there, and I am forever grateful for my friends who supported me and helped me get out there when I could’t find a way or couldn’t properly afford to.  You guys helped save my life!

In October I’ll be going back out there with some of the same friends and loved ones who were there with me in the past, as well as some new ones, to make new memories and I can hardly wait.  I hope by that time that Fall is in full swing, and I cannot wear a T-shirt outside without a jacket or an over shirt.  I do not want to pack any shorts and sneakers with me, only jeans and boots…oh, and malty, high ABV beers.

Though, if climate change continues its terrifying pattern of rapidly warming the planet into a giant ball of soupy humidity, my beloved crisp autumns may not be very long for this world…PLOT TWIST!  This was an anti-climate change PSA the whole time!

Sleep well and don’t let the super storms destroy you.

Soapbox Social 3/25


New Bedford Book Festival, my first customers.

I wrote this piece to share at the Soapbox Social in Downtown NB last week.  It was a great experience, I got to listen to some heartfelt stories told by interesting people and I really look forward to the next one.

The theme of the evening was, It’s a Sign!

With that being said, I leave you with the piece.

It’s a Sign!

I’m not really the ‘Faith’ type. In fact I don’t really believe in a God, or follow any one religion, and it seems fairly likely that human life is nothing more than some crazy mishap that farted itself into existence in the middle of some big cosmic nothing. But I’m open. I do believe that we are supposed to learn from our experience, as if the universe or life itself is passively dialoguing with us and our bio-physiological makeup; helping us to learn and evolve and whatnot? I can buy that, that seems reasonable. But, I’ve always had a hard time believing in “signs.” You know, messages directed explicitly at YOU, like the Universe is pointing a finger in your face and shouting, “You! Listen!” Those instances are dangerous as they feel like delusion, like whatever grasp you have on your mental health is slipping through your fingers and spilling you out into some crazy world of schizotypal psychosis. It’s a dangerous road to hoe.

With that being said, would you like to hear about the single craziest thing that has ever happened to me?
During my sophomore year of college, I was accused of plagiarism—or more accurately, academic dishonesty. It was due to a paper I had written on Virginia Woolf’s Between the Acts. Like most of my work at the time, I had waited until the very last minute to commit my thoughts to paper, I was—and still am–no fan of that book, or her work in general. But hey, a man’s gotta do yadda yadda, right? In an attempt to avoid doing as little analysis about the novel as possible, I used a historical framework in structuring my thesis, looking at Germany’s Slitzkrieg and Blitzkrieg and focusing on the impact that these WWII events had on Woolf’s writing. I think there was also some other corollary point in there about Freud’s influence on Woolf’s exploration of the implied sexuality of her characters, but that’s neither here nor there.

What matters is this:

•At that point in my academic career I was an abysmal student, hardly showing up to class, turning in the bare minimum requirements, and generally having to force myself into a manic state in order to accomplish anything at all. There were a few reasons for these struggles:

•I was completely obsessed with a woman I was dating—I mean head over heels, holding a boom-box outside of a window obsessed.  I was suffering from undiagnosed depression, fueled by self-hatred that I was doing everything in my power to avoid—most likely out of the fear of actually having to fix my problems (a truly terrifying prospect).

•My poor academic performance had rendered me nearly catatonic with shame and self-consciousness. This combined with my depression and the fact that I had been a misfit since setting foot on the campus provided ample sustenance for the beast of self-hatred that was crouched on my back digging its claws into my shoulders and draining every last ounce of my life force; a situation which often prevented me from even passing through the threshold of my bedroom door. Unless, of course, my girlfriend was visiting from Connecticut College, oh boy! Then I was Hercules fighting the lion, I was Beowulf, I was Leonidus…and his brave 300! I was all-powerful, a God amongst men!

You see, I had sunk what little self-worth I had into that relationship, as if it were a lifeboat in which she and I could weather any storm. When she was there, I was strong! Shit, I was invincible. But when she wasn’t I was unmanageable, a complete wreck, I was the crack in the hull sinking our lifeboat. I just didn’t know it.

Anyhow, that’s just the basic snapshot of what I had going on back then. The Nick LeBlanc of that time was a sad, confused, pissed-off, anxious, helplessly in love, and hopelessly depressed young man. Things weren’t the best.

I turned in the paper after a night of furious typing, cursing myself aloud, and tearing through bags of candy and cup after cup of coffee. A week later, I was called into the professor’s office where she told me she would be bringing the paper forward to my dean and an academic committee.

“Why?” I asked, “What did I do?”

“You plagiarized,” she said, her words echoing off my skull and stabbing me deep in the roots of my soul.

Long story short, my horrendous class attendance and suspicious behavior when I was actually in class led her to believe that I was incapable of writing something with that depth of analysis. Working against me was the fact that once upon a time some other poor Virginia Woolf-hating schmuck had also decided to avoid analyzing Between the Acts by burying his thesis in an analysis of Hitler’s wartime decision-making—something she found when scouring the internet, plugging in my phrases and trying to gather evidence that I had nicked my ideas from someplace else, something she found far more likely than me actually writing the paper. Though there was no exact phrase-matching, the mere existence of a similar paper was enough to turn her suspicion into action. That was a deep cut that I was unsure I could recover from.

Looking back on it now, I can’t really blame her. She was probably frustrated with me, and thought that somehow her actions would help straighten me out. After all, I had never demonstrated my academic potential with her. How was she to know that I had taken so much Adderall when writing the paper that I could practically levitate? How was she to know that I had gotten through all of my previous classes with some version of the same pattern: don’t go to class> read most of the assignments> enter manic hyper-intellectual trance> write a great paper> go back to ignoring class and skipping homework> end semester with a low B/high C.

I hadn’t plagiarized, and wasn’t convicted of academic dishonesty—as there was no evidence–so it never went on my record. In lieu of taking the investigation any farther, everyone agreed a semester away from Holy Cross would do me well, so I did just that, took a semester off and went to work.

Shortly after this, my girlfriend who I had fallen even more in love with—or I should say, who I had buried even more of my self-worth in–broke up with me. Soon after, my friends returned to college and I was stuck in New Bedford working 9-5, alone and more depressed than ever. Over the next few years my situation would fluctuate, mostly going downhill–though I did go back to school and work my way through the last few semesters…barely.
I came out of college a complete mess, self-medicating with marijuana and alcohol, ignoring my problems, and continually distracting myself from the reality of my situation. I was manic, then depressed, then manic, then depressed, then less manic, and more depressed and then more manic and less depressed…and my feelings, psshhhh, feelings? I hated myself too much to take my feelings seriously: C’mon man, you loser! You’re sad? Grow up, maaaan! I could be a real jerk to myself. I just had no balance. Things were not good.

In 2012, everything collapsed when one evening—after a particularly bad work week (11+ hour days, working 15 days straight)–I thought I lost my mind. I had some version of a nervous breakdown that kept me out of work for 2 weeks. I was at my lowest point, and it had all started with that accusation made by Professor Reynolds during sophomore year at Holy Cross…

After a few years of research and soul searching, I’ve come to understand my incident in 2012 as something like a revelatory experience, the type of thing that psychologists like William James write about. It was the mark of a complete turnaround in my life. It was my moment of clarity. It was the first time I had considered that existence may be more than some kind of nihilistic accident. My mind opened up, and things became clearer than ever before. I learned to understand and accept myself for who I was…and I actually started having feelings again, how profound!

Writing has helped me tremendously since that revelatory moment in 2012, I now do it every day and recently have started to take it a step further. Since 2014 I have written 3 books and I am currently working on 3 more. I have published these works through a small venture I started, Domesticated Primate, which very soon will be open to submissions from the public–something I am incredibly excited about. Things have turned around for me, I now listen to myself and address my problems, and luckily, this has freed up my mind to the point where I can pursue things that I think help the community around me, like my most recent career change to teaching at a public school. I feel fortunate.

Recently, that good fortune continued when I was lucky enough to have a table at the New Bedford Book Festival put on here at Groundwork. It was a wonderful day had by all. I was just about done setting up my table when I had my first visitors, a child of about 10 or 11 years old and his two parents in their 40s. The child picked up a copy of my book, OTHER PEOPLE, and was inspecting the cover. While still adjusting my displays I got into a conversation with his parents about the book’s plot and what constitutes the difference between chapbooks and zines—a question inspired by some of the work I had on display from local authors. I finished my fiddling with the table and stepped behind it when his mother looked up at me, wondering if OTHER PEOPLE would be appropriate for his age range. I looked down at the child, briefly considered the question, fixed my gaze up toward his mother where we locked eyes and WHOOSH!

Has that ever happened to anyone else? When you notice something and your mind just, ZOOM, travels across time? Suddenly you’re somewhere else but you’ve left your body in the present, a façade, a shell of a person staring into nothingness?
I was suddenly sitting at that academic conference in 2008. Flanked by my parents, wearing a shirt with too tight of a collar and an uncomfortable tie, I scan the faces staring at me from across the table: my advisor, my class dean, the head of the Holy Cross English department and…no, it can’t be…WHOOSH—time travelling again, back to the present.

Professor Reynolds?

Yes. It was. The very first person to visit me at the New Bedford Book Festival, in fact the very first person to ever buy a book from me was the woman who in 2008 had such doubt in my ability that she accused me of academic dishonesty and was the impetus for me to go on an almost 5-year journey of self-discovery; the very woman who dealt me the single most necessary slap in the face that I have ever experienced—metaphorically of course; the very woman who without her (admittedly severe) intervention, I may have never gotten into writing or found any semblance of balance in my life. She was standing in front of me, not recognizing me, handing me money and congratulating me on the great work I’m doing.

When I figured out it was her, my heart dropped through the floor, Ka-Bung! Is this real life? Am I dreaming? I must be losing my mind, this has to be a delusion, there’s no way I…

She walked away with her family to go check out some other tables. I gathered my composure and approached her, reminding her of who I am and thanking her for calling my shitty behavior for what it was back at Holy Cross. She hugged me and said that educators never like having to go through that and that my outcome was exactly what people in her position always want to hear.

I haven’t told you the craziest part yet. That day at the Festival, I was set to do a reading at 3pm. The piece I had chosen was a chapter from an in-progress novel inspired by my college experience titled, “Paul is Dead, or Nodus Tollens.” In that chapter, which I had settled on the night before, I directly reference my plagiarism experience with Professor Reynolds and quote something she had said to me during the conference that always stuck with me; that my behavior was a “master-class in inaction.”

Apparently they were at the festival because her husband works at UMass Dartmouth, and they had some affiliates with work at the Festival. It was something like that, I was honestly too shocked to really process her reasoning.
Now, I know—or at least I think–it wasn’t God, or Mother Nature, or the Universe or some other cosmic being speaking to me, but c’mon, what kind of experience is that? How can I not see that as a sign? Unless it’s some kind of Truman Show-esque conspiracy that you’re all in on…hmmm?

Anyhow, in the next few weeks she will be highlighting me as a Feature Writer on the website and social media pages of the Holy Cross Creative Writing concentration as an example of an artist who has taken the non-traditional route and has started to find his place within his art and his community. I can comfortably say that things are good.

Who would’ve thunk it? Certainly not me.

…and Found


On March 25th, 2016 I will be speaking at an event called the SOAPBOX SOCIAL.  It will take place from 7-9pm at Groundwork! in Downtown New Bedford, MA.  The theme of the evening is, “It’s a Sign!”  I had originally written this essay for the event, but now after having an incredibly coincidental thing happen to me–something I will most likely share here once I’ve written it–I am considering writing a new piece.

With this being the case, I have decided to share the essay here.  I’m happy that I can do so, it’s very personal and deeply meaningful for me.  Committing these thoughts to paper was cathartic, and I’m pleased with the result.  My hope is that maybe my experience can encourage others to share their experience as well.

I may very well end up reading this essay at the SOAPBOX SOCIAL if I don’t like the way the new one comes out, but that remains to be seen.  Anyhow, thanks for reading and enjoy!  The piece is titled, “…and Found.”

…and Found.

In February (I believe) of 2012 I spoke at a Soapbox Social event on the top floor of CORK wine and tapas.  The theme was Lost and Found.  I prepared for the event with—what was at the time—my normal ‘performing in public’ routine; ingesting too much marijuana, feeling like I’ve lost my damn mind, and then subsequently drinking a few beers to try to ground my thoughts well enough so I could improvise my way through whatever it was I had gotten myself into.  I walked to the front of the room, admittedly surprised by the amount of people in attendance, and nervously coughed and stumbled my way through a set about a lost and found bin at the back of my elementary school classroom, and the existential metaphor that came about from considering the purpose of that item.

Interestingly, completely by chance, I came across a recording of that performance when I was trying to figure out exactly when my last appearance at a Soapbox Social had occurred.  Upon first listen, I found it kind of funny, kind of thoughtful, but mostly a sloppy mess of would-be clever ideas if only I hadn’t been more-than-half-in the bag while speaking.  The biggest reaction to my words being when I recycled a joke from Austin Powers.

I went through a moment of total self-hatred as I sat there, phone in hand, watching the little orange bar take over the little waveform on the SoundCloud app while my voice–a shaky warble about ready to erupt into laughter at any moment–filled the room.  How could I have been that rude to other people taking the risk of putting themselves out there and telling a story?  Just because you’re comfortable with your own BS doesn’t mean everyone else is.  Did you think it was cool to do that?  Or was it a necessary thing?  How pathetic, how embarrassing, how…

I had to shut if off before the audio finished.  Most people probably weren’t able to tell that I was inebriated as I weaved that strange improvisation four years ago, and if any of you listened now, it may just come off as someone being awkward and sputtering out whatever came to his mind, or maybe I’m just being hard on myself.  It’s hard to tell, really.

About 3 months or so after I spoke that evening, something happened to me.  I was working a sales job, and on the eve of my first day off after a 15 day work streak–working at least ten hours a day the whole time—everything came to a head.  At that time I was a daily marijuana smoker, going through a little over an eighth per week, or sometimes more depending on who I was with and if any of them pitched in (which they usually did). I was with two friends, we had engaged in our typical ritual consumption of herb and alcohol and had sat down to watch the Bobcat Goldthwait-directed God Bless America.

Yes, the same Bobcat Goldthwait who spoke like he was swallowing a large, live fish.  Yes the same Bobcat Goldthwait who starred in Police Academy 2.  And yes the same Bobcat Goldthwait that set the Tonight Show on fire.  I know, odd choice.  But honestly, his films are pretty incredible, particularly a recent documentary he directed.  And given the reaction that God Bless America elicited from me, it would be safe to at least call his work affecting.

I should say here, before I proceed any farther, that at this particular time in my life I was especially unhealthy, incredibly depressed, and menacingly self-loathing.  I was using marijuana to self-medicate (whether I understood it or not) and didn’t see a way out of the corporate work->sleep->medicate->repeat until death cycle for myself.  My college experience, and my personal feelings of resentment about the whole of that experience, just sat on top of my shoulders daily, like a vulture on my back, pecking at my self-confidence.  Needless to say, things were not good for Nick.

Anyhow, the film, God Bless America, is basically a revenge fantasy of a guy who continually gets dumped on by life; at work, by his ex-wife, by his shitty neighbors.  Long story short, he finds out that he has inoperable brain cancer and snaps, killing every object of his hatred and loathing.  I was high and fragile, and it floored me.  I barely made it through the first 30 minutes of the film before I became possessed by an unshakable hunch that my father—who had the day off from work and was resting at home—was going to kill himself.  The two guys I was with didn’t understand where this thought was coming from, and it freaked them out—rightfully.  I called my father—who needless to say, hadn’t killed himself, nor had any intention to—and proceeded to have a complete paranoid collapse.

It went something like this:

Maybe it wasn’t my father I was seeing in the movie, maybe it was me?  And what about all of these little coincidences I had been noticing?  Wait, are these people really my friends?  Can I trust them?  Who can I trust?  If it has a conscious brain I can’t trust it.  What can I trust?  Art, I can trust art…and my dog, I can trust her too.  But what about this movie, what is it saying?  If this movie is communicating something to me, maybe all movies have been communicating something to me!  Maybe books too!  Maybe everything is communicating with me, trying to tell me something.  Patterns, synchronicity, everything!  It all is talking to me!  It all means something!  No, not to mewith me.  Oh my god! It makes sense!  It all makes sense!  Does anyone know about this?  Does anyone else know that I know this?  Has this all been a set-up to make me realize this?  Wait a minute, if it’s a set-up I really can’t trust anyone.

I was so freaked out, so terrified, my mind racing ten-thousand miles an hour.  My friends had called my family, letting them know what was going on.  I’ll say here, it pays to have good friends.  Soon, the whole of my close family would arrive.

But meanwhile back in my thoughts I had become Joseph Campbell. I had written The Hero With A Thousand Faces with a million of my own thoughts in one instant without ever having been exposed to his work!  I was Alan Watts dictating The Book and exploring the nature of its titular taboo even though I had never heard of Watts!  I was Timothy Leary’s eighth step in his model of consciousness, even though it had never been taught to me!  I was Luke Skywalker! I was Jesus…no…I was God himself! I had figured it out, I had seen the secret.  I had transcended my own miserable, depressed consciousness!

It was here that my whole family showed up, all somehow wearing either red or blue clothing.  Some with a combination of the two.  It was truly strange.

Back in my mind:

But wait, if I have transcended my own consciousness, does that mean I’m dying?  What happens next?  Is this enlightenment? Or am I going to have a heart attack?  I bet my blood pressure is sky high because I’m freaking out so badly right now.  Blood.  Wait, red…and blue.  Why is everyone wearing red or blue?  What can I trust? Who’s real?  Are they the real thing?  Do they know that they are all wearing those colors?  Are they doing it on purpose?  Am I dying?

I truly thought I was dying in that moment.  I got brought to the hospital, checked in as a psych patient, and given a tranquilizer that put me to sleep for an almost full 24 hours.  I took two weeks off from work and followed up with a psychologist at Butler Hospital who told me that people with my set of ingredients—high IQ, depressed, drug-using, stressed—sometimes create a vicious recipe that some of the unluckier ones never come back from.  He used the analogy of a door, “Some see the world through a keyhole, give them drugs and excessive stress, and that keyhole becomes a door.  Some are already outside of the door, and when given the same things suddenly they’re propelled across the whole universe with occasionally disastrous results.”

That made me feel a whole lot better.  Sincerely.

But like I said, something happened to me.  In the years since, I’ve mostly called it a nervous breakdown or a religious/revelatory experience (in William James’ sense of the word).  Now, I like to consider it with a positive connotation, and after doing much research, I have found that experiences like that aren’t unique to me, and that many people, like myself, consider it a blessing—albeit a confusing and horrifying one for anyone involved.  I know now that that moment changed my life for the better.  My mental levees constructed by social schemas and societal expectation were leveled, my consciousness-dam of self-hatred was washed away.  I was free because I finally understood that I was in control of my own life, and that the harder I tried to do the right thing—instead of just doing the thing that feels good—the better life would be for myself and those around me.

Last time I spoke in this program, the theme was Lost and Found.  Shortly after, I lost my mind.  How perfect!  In the years following, I plowed through my own self-doubt and worry that my revelatory experience wasn’t as significant as it felt, and that maybe I was just as crazy as I seemed that night, but I kept moving forward.  I started dating my wonderful girlfriend, became more disciplined in my work, artistically and professionally. I started making decisions based on what is good for me, and what is the right thing, not on what should or shouldn’t be happening according to some nebulous, all-powerful authority—societal or otherwise.  And now, most is good for Nick.

Though there is one thing I struggle with, and it is mighty powerful.  The ghostly presence of regret.  I think about my past lives and decisions and feel sick sometimes.  It haunts me.  If only I was given the opportunity to relive some of those past experiences and show how much I really have changed.  If only I had applied myself more in college, If only I had saved my money instead of blown it erroneously, if only I had paid those parking tickets, if only I had better managed the upkeep of my car, If only I was given the opportunity to redo my Soapbox Social from 2012…

Hey, wait a minute…

It’s a sign!

Free write: 2/21/2016

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Have you ever had Licorice Allsorts?  Do you know which candy I’m referring to?  The soft pieces of black licorice wrapped or stuffed with a sugary coating?  Some look like little quadrilateral sandwiches, others a non-pareil (usually colored either pink or blue), and then there’s some that are wheel-like with a spoke of licorice in the center, the “tire” portion of the wheel made up by some vaguely coconut-y fondant type thing with the texture of cake frosting that has been left in the open for a week and a half.  Do you know which ones I mean yet?  I believe they originated in England.  If you know what I’m referring to, or if you’ve taken the time to Google it, you’ll quickly understand how easy it is to picture some Little Lord Fauntleroy type begging his ‘mum’ for a ‘go at the Allsorts’ with his post-dinner ‘spot’ of tea–or maybe it’s just me?

Anyhow, they’re a candy that elicits a deep memory for me.  I remember my mother leaving them in a candy dish on an antique coffee table in the apartment that I grew up in.  I would parse through them picking out which were my favorite and concentrating deeply on what made the flavors up, trying to figure out why some were dyed pink (strawberry), brown (chocolate), yellow (vaguely lemon-ish), white (unflavored sugar), or orange (orange).  It’s a fond memory.  I would take the candy coating from one, remove the licorice, combine it with the coating of a different flavor, and then re-wrap the hybridized creation around one of the pieces of now coating-less licorice.  It was great.

Allsorts aren’t a particularly popular candy probably due to their very distinct flavor–in fact my girlfriend spit out both pieces that I had her try–so whenever I see a package of them at a store, I feel utterly compelled to purchase it.  This happened today when making a trip to Big Value Outlet in South Dartmouth to purchase some Liquid Plumbr for a pesky drainage problem in my apartment’s shower (something to be expected in old houses).  I was going through the aisles killing time when I came across the 14.1 oz package for $2.00 and immediately grabbed it off of the shelf.  I felt pleased.

And then, out of nowhere, I came within inches of my sanity almost completely unraveling…but before we go into that…

I had spent part of this weekend in Worcester, in fact we stayed not too far away from my alma mater, The College of the Holy Cross.  En route to the destination, I made a quick drive through the campus to take a look at the renovation job their athletic center is currently undergoing.  It looks nice, the renovation was a long time coming. The next day, on the way home, we even stopped at Purgatory Chasm for a three-hour hike, a location with a special place in my mind as a peaceful spiritual refuge that my close friends and I had shared once upon a time.

The weather was outstanding and the long hike left me feeling more centered than I have in weeks.  With this being the case, how come less than 24 hours later I was on the verge of a complete emotional collapse standing in a Big Value Outlet with a large bag of black licorice in my hand?

Well, the answer is quite simple, if not a bit confounding: Turok the Dinosaur Hunter.

My father’s mother, Doris Ellen LeBlanc, my Nana loved stores like Building 19, Big Value Outlet and Job Lot.  She was a famously thrifty bargain shopper.  With this being the case, as a child I was dragged through these type of stores nearly every time I was with her, which was almost every single day (both after school and during the summer).  She would let me wander off on my own, exploring the place, looking at the giant stacks of boxes filled with weird food and surplus garden equipment priced nearly half of what you would see it at any reputable retail store.

These places confused me.  At the time I understood them as ‘poor people places,’ a distinction I now am aware of as being horrifically offensive, but then was a schema I had developed from growing up in a lower middle class community where a lot of my classmates pushed against the stigma of being ‘poor’ by making fun of people who shopped at places like the BVO–a psychological phenomenon I see as being more powerful than ever today working at a high school with a population of students with below-average income who viciously compete with one another over who has the hippest (and thusly most expensive) shoes.  Anyhow, I didn’t appreciate being dragged through these places regularly, a fact my Nana recognized and usually pacified by allowing me a treat of some sort from the store.

So, as I was standing there licorice in hand, already ankle-deep in the murky waters of memory, a giant wave came and crashed down on me.  I was a child again, wandering through the BVO alone, searching for what I would claim as my so-deserved treat.  I weaved in and out of the aisles, watching my Nana fill up her cart with kitchen necessities and tiny foam rings to stick in her shoes to prevent her feet from getting blistered as her arthritis had started to make her phalanges and tarsals look more like the knotted, knobby branches on a tree than human toes and fingers.  I smelled the same smells, the sweet chemical sting of the cleaning supply aisles, the dense plasticky stink of the toy aisle, and the cold musty reek of the book aisle.  Ahhh, the book aisle, one of my favorites!  Maybe here I would find my treat.  Coloring books?  No, not that, I already have a few of those.  A puzzle?  No, too boring.  Stickers?  What am I, some type of little girl or something?  Comic books…wait, comic books?  I never see comic books here!  What are these?!  Turok the Dinosaur Hunter?  Wow! Isn’t that a game?  I didn’t even know it was a comic book!  And there’s a whole pack of them?  Five issues!  Wait, the first five issues!  All with special holographic covers too?!  Oh my god!  Nana, Nana!!!

And I was back in 2016 standing in the candy aisle of the BVO with my pupils dilated, staring off into the distant past, an old lady–whom I was too distracted to notice–standing a few feet in front of me, politely trying to excuse herself so she could get by me and into the giant box of sugar-free hard candies that I was standing directly in front of.  I felt the presence of my Nana, I chastised myself for being a stupid child, too naive and distracted by my own selfishness to be appreciative of her and our jaunts about the Greater New Bedford area.  I was so lucky to have that support structure, to have someone willing to spend her money on me to get me a set of stupid comic books that I loved so much and that helped me overcome the loneliness I felt as an only child in a house with working parents.  I now get that she was helping me, not torturing me, she was my best friend, my first real best friend…oh no…

Suddenly, BOOM!  I’m back in the past.  Collecting sea glass with her at the beach at the bottom of her street in Fairhaven, walking my dog Josie with her around my neighborhood in New Bedford with her after she had moved in with us.  Taking my new dog, Wilbur to see her in the hospital after she had fallen, again.  A diagnoses of Parkinson’s Disease.  Visiting a nursing home and taking her outside in a wheelchair for a walk around the facility.  Being woken up on Thanksgiving morning by a phone call from the nursing home telling us that she had died.  And finally, sitting down on my bed, crying my eyes out, and writing my college essay about losing my best friend to an awful, crippling, sad, sad, sad, disease.

Back in 2016, tears well up in my eyes.  I’m coming back into reality, I choke down the ball in my throat and take a deep breath, moving out of the way for the old woman trying to get her candies.  I apologize.  I start thinking I’m just vulnerable from the weekend, maybe the walk at Purgatory Chasm had really opened me up, made me more vulnerable than I had realized.  But why?

Well, when we were driving around Worcester I did realize that I felt no attachment to the place, that I barely knew my way around.  I hadn’t really ever explored the city, save for a few bars, and had only one or two places that I had brought dates to.  Man, I should have taken girls on more dates.  But, that was a culture thing wasn’t it?  Most people just liked to drink and hang out, dates seemed too personal…right?  Or was that just me?  I mean yes I was an insufferable ass, but I still had some friends right?  Or did I really?  I mean no one ever stood up and told me I was being crazy.  Uh-oh, oh no, I’m slipping,  here comes the past again.  No! not here, not now, not after re-living Nana, I’m not sure if I can take this!

Freshman year, walking down Caro Street after drinking too many beers holding ******’s hand and telling her she’s pretty while she smokes a cigarette with the other hand and tells me she doesn’t smoke unless she’s drunk.  She keeps kissing me on the lips and we’re heading towards her dorm and…No Nick!  No!  Come back, get out of the past, Go forward go forward!  Sophomore year meeting ******* and falling in love and lying and going to visit her at ******** and meeting her friends and…C’mon man, we’ve been through this, get out of it!  You’re in the middle of a spiral here!  Junior year, blacked out drunk getting into a fight in front of the campus center, slapping ***** and yelling and being loud, and then on a a date with ******, and later that night meeting ******** in the dark room at the art studios and we…I can’t believe we did that.Oh my god, there was so much more, I’m remembering so much, and I’m feeling the emotions, the sadness, laughter, mania.  I can smell the puke in the hallway, and the beer on my breath, and the booze on hers (and hers, and hers, and hers).

I remember the disappointment of professors, I remember the elation of their compliments, the ultimate highs, the lowest lows…and how quickly it all seemed to switch.  It all blends together at some point, especially when we got to senior year.  Oh God!  Senior year…No Nick, you’re almost through it, push out, pull yourself out, don’t go there, you’re standing in a Big Value Outlet!  Use this as material for the book!  Write about it, relive it when you’re at home on your laptop, not in the store, you can make it, man!  Senior year, hammered in Western, MA, sending questionable texts, falling in love with every woman I meet, self-hatred, ignoring ******, skipping class, sleeping all day, Staying up all night long, ordering food, and drinking by myself, watching movies, and listening to albums…Oh no and then there was *******, what an idiot, what a complete child.  Disgraceful.  You’re an asshole, you’re stupid, you’re weak, it’s your fault, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…and no one else would help, they never said anything, I hate them too.  I hate everyone and everything and…Stop.  Just stop.  Take a breath, you’re alright, you’re alright.  You’re good now, things are good now.  Are you sure?  I don’t like feeling this way.  Honestly,  I’m not sure, but I know that I, that we, feel better, right?   Okay.  Plus, you got some Allsorts, those make you feel good, right?

And I was back.  No more than a few seconds had ticked by in 2016 as those past twenty some-odd years had shot straight through me.  I was still at the corner of the candy aisle, and the old lady was still trying to decide between sugar-free peppermint logs and watermelon discs–in case you’re curious, she ended up getting both.  I left the store with my Allsorts and some Liquid Plumbr, grateful to have made it through.


Free write: 1/28/16


image1 (2)I recently visited Vermont with a few friends.  I really love it out there, peaceful, beautiful, cold.  The cities are slow, but not boredom-inducing slow, just manageably paced.  Burlington is fantastic, though I do prefer Montpelier–if only for Morse Farm and their homemade Maple soft-serve.  Either way, it was a truly great experience.

Given the surroundings, I got to thinking a whole lot about existence and just how lucky I am to be alive and to have fantastic friends.  I felt and continue to feel truly grateful.  Considering this mindset, and having just updated my blogging site and finished a pair of books, I figured I may as well give free-writing a go again.  I’m interested to see what comes out.

So here goes nothing:

I don’t believe in God.  At least not in the traditional sense.  Sure, I hope there is one, and that he is all the things my Catholic lineage claims he is.  I’d love to meet a guy like that, though I fear he may not be too appreciative of those of us with a more prickly sense of humor.  Now that I mention it, I could see him being a bit overly sensitive, the type of nice guy to ruin a good joke, albeit poetically, “Oh yes, I understood your intention was good, Nick.  But we must remember to consider the rippling of our words, and how those ripples turn into wakes for some–depending on their distance from our words.”

Frankly, I just can’t see it.  I think our perception of God as a floating humanoid somewhere outside of space and time is nothing more than a classic case of human psychological projection; we take the nebulous and swirling confusion that manages our consciousness and force it into reality.

But why? 

Well, simply because it makes our existence easier to understand–at least that’s my belief.  Think of it like a good piece of fiction, where the author projects their meaning or literary/artistic purpose into a story through the use of plot, setting, metaphor, and any other number of writing tools. For Orwell, the danger of communism was easier to understand and communicate if he spun it into a fairy tale of talking animals, a fat pig named Napoleon, and the tragedy of the work-horse, Boxer.  For Pynchon, Oedipa Maas’ pursuit of Trystero was the right way to frame his obsession with pattern recognition and the confusing role of entropy in information theory.

I believe we turn our worlds into a representation of our mind that best allows us to understand the nature of our personal existence.  Our image of God as an all-knowing, omniscient, altruistic, and massively powerful–yet somehow still relate-able–being is a representation of our consciousness that we push out onto the world for ease of conscious consumption.  In other words, this representation makes for an easier way for us to understand the nature of our own existence because we are looking at it as if it exists outside of our own minds. Doing this removes our personal sense of responsibility in the construction of our perceived worlds, and allows us to believe that everything we see is coming from something that some-great-something–some would say God–is in charge of constructing and managing.

I don’t feel okay with seeing things that way,  I–somewhat frustratingly–want to take responsibility of my own fear (maybe that’s the result of being raised by Irish, Polish, and Portuguese old-world catholics?). Hence my doubt in the existence of a thing called God.  My conscience is screaming, ‘it’s all your fault!’

What I believe is that the universe, consciousness, and all of existence are all a part of the same thing, one great mechanism, actively churning out our perceived experience.  I believe that space, time, and depth are constructs that our human form uses to understand information that is being passed on to us and through us and that they exist inside of us, not outside.  I should clarify that statement: I believe that time and space are things that we use to interpret information, and that our recognition of those things is not us noticing that external forces exist and exhibit influence on us, but rather us noticing the tools that our consciousness uses to understand the information field that we are being exposed to.  As a corollary, I also believe that there are dimensions outside of human perception, and that it would be bad science to think that everything humans are capable of seeing is all that exists–in other words, these three dimensions aren’t it, there’s more!

I am not a physicist, and I don’t possess much more than a passing familiarity with the discipline, but what little–and it is very little–that I know about the properties of quantum physics and mechanics works to convince me that the majority, if not all, of our conscious experience is subjective, and that things only become what they are once they have been observed.  I look at humanity, and conscious life in general, as a key to a lock.  I see it as our cosmic job to observe and discern what information is being passed onto us by the giant informational field that is the perceivable universe.

Like Pynchon, I am obsessed with pattern recognition, and like Jung I am fascinated by synchronicity–and hypnotized by the feeling of importance that recognizing it gives me.  To use literature as an example again, I believe we should read our experience, and consider what it all may mean, and what it may be trying to tell us about ourselves.

In literature, metaphor and coincidence are frequently used as communicative tools to the reader, they imply a step forward in the plot, they provide foreshadowing, and they mirror character development.  In existence, they can be used similarly; things like shamanism–tribal and otherwise–and mysticism have based their entire philosophies on this practice.

And here is where I find a contradiction within myself.

I also believe that existence is entropy, that there was some kind of massive mess made by something which created random order, and that as a result, the fallout that occurs when that something returns to its original resting state causes disorder, or rather the disassembling of the randomly constructed order.  But how do I rectify these seemingly disparate beliefs?  How is it that synchronicity and chance mark places where information should be processed, if all of existence is rapidly tearing itself apart into an even less organized system than it currently finds itself?

Honestly, I am not sure.  My intuition wants me to believe that everything is some kind of large scale cosmic experiment, and that our role in this experiment is to discern certain subsets of information within a given set of constraints–similar to what I mentioned earlier about time and space.

Many philosophers and mathematicians have argued this, that an infinity exists between every two points.  To humanize this, imagine your parents as two points on a number line made up of genetic properties, let’s say 3 and 4.  When you are produced, you are placed on that genetic number line between them, and the whole of your life is spent within that infinite genetic depth in between those two points.  Now take that concept to a larger scale; extended family, genetic family tree, the whole human species, humans in relation to other species, those other species and their common relatives, so forth and so on. The infinities are endless.  I imagine DNA as a set of glasses through which our consciousness can view and interpret information, just as it uses the inherent frames of time and space to give shape to our experience.

Here is where pattern recognition comes in and brings us back to the literature model:

If we are discerning information based on a combination of inherited genetic predispositions and chaotic life experience, then wouldn’t an experience that registers as being mysterious or coincidental imply a certain level of importance–just like in fictional lit?  Even if not in the physical world, then at least within one’s own mind, much like how the incidents surrounding a character’s development influence the reader’s opinion outside of the life of the character himself.  Think of it like existing as both the reader and the character at the same time, your forced to simultaneously experience and interpret every given experience.  An exhausting prospect, no?  I think so.  But then again, I also see it as my duty to take advantage of this consciousness and to mine the depths of my own personal infinity for as much information as I possibly can and I just don’t happen to need a “God” to do that.  How about you?